▐ DearDiary #1▐ Life is good when you finally realise how important your worth and value.

Yes, I'm here to kickstart the first page of my #Dear Diary series post lol. I'm so excited and nervous at the same time because it's been awhile that I never update some personal thought post in my blog. To be honest, I'm not afraid being judge by writing all of this. I just afraid that it might be something not interesting and I really don't like to spread negativity thought on my blog. But, I really treat you guys like my real life friends. I wanted to be able to express myself & my thoughts. So after all, I decided to give a little space for myself to write about it.

Just like what I did when I'm still a young girl who love to complain about extra class on my blog, saying someone always absent from school or maybe complaining my group assignment. I think it's something that blog used to be. Like what I did on my instagram stories, the crazy me lol. Ever since I started to post about something on my stories, people like you actually encourage me and giving me a lot of supports. So I wanted to let you guys know about my daily life and how I feel.

To be honest, this year was quite a good year for me. I finally found my life's goals and if you realise from the photo I posted on all my social media platforms it's more toward things happened in my life. I rarely appear to the event except I really love the brand / wanna show my support toward someone or maybe I just want to come out and show face + meet my long lost friends. 

Social media was a part of my life but since I'm getting older now, I start to uncomfortable when posting something personal to the public. Because for me I need to be responsible on things I share / post online. Not everyone know the difference between instagrammer / influencer and blogger. People just called me as red people (红人hong ren) or treat me as a public figure. Which is something that I never dare to think of. 

Somehow I need to accept the fact that being a blogger (especially when people start to recognise who you are), you are already step into the same categories as them. I really dislike how often people / my relatives or family side parents always told me that it's very easy to be 'hong ren'. We just go to the event, pose like a model and that's all. I hate to be categories as a person like this especially those strangers which I don't even know who he/she is.

Most of the person who read my blog or watched my insta stories knew me really well and you guys always say Hi to me if you spot me in the event or purposely come to the event just to meet me...I'm so happy and really feel so thankful that I'm able to meet each of you. But during most of my media trip, especially when you spending the time with other media / writer or whatsoever which totally don't understand what is your job / how to be respect, they tend to put me in the same categories with hong ren.

They will ask about how old am I and start asking question like 'you guys always get free things right? So good leh! I always want to get sponsor for clothes , hair and so on' Or maybe I'm too small-minded but I really dont like how often people think about us as a blogger. There are no such thing as free meal in this world. Whatever you received, in return you must give back something to the client. For example, you get sponsored for the beauty product, you need to do the job which is try it , review and work it out / share it to your follower.

I answered them politely but next they will be like' Oh yea, it's so easy also right! You guys just need to take the product, smile or wear more sexy + take photo'. Then I was like 'okay~ maybe it's not blogger, it's instagrammer or those who have pretty face one' Next, they will continue to put you into the same category and label you as a VASE! 花瓶

Then slowly, I'm lazy to explain it to them. People who know your value will know. No need explanation... I will just smile and say SOMETIMES. Yes, it's really so sad that now everyone who follow the wrong way to gain likes or followers by showing how sexy you are, or how big your boobs is. But it's not wrong that you love to show what you have, but i just don't like to join this kind of conversation because nobody want to know it since most of them already put you in the same category with it.

I'm not judging a person who love to show what they have on the social media but I feel so sad because why the social media nowadays become a platform like this. By holding a product, wear more sexy to gain likes and followers. I mean like why? Some client even ask me whether can I wear slightly sexier or lesser so that the photo can get more impressions and likes. I was like OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Then ended up I feel so disappointed because i just don't understand why everyone love think like this. 

I, myself, Chanwon Tan!! Defined only by myself, not by numbers. I'm so frustrated each time I meet with weird client like that because most of the time I meet them alone because I'm always an independent blogger. I'm not under any agency or any manager but I do have an assistant who help me to reply my email if I'm oversea or too busy to reply the email. Maybe just 5% of the chance to get the reply from my assistant lol. Most of the time I will handle it myself. 

I'm getting sad to know the truth that some of them actually buy likes and followers to confuse the clients. Then ended up losing trust from those client because most of the client engaged with the wrong influencer and they getting weird feedback from the engagement. Their money just throw into the sea and didn't get what they expected. This is just so wrong.

Next, dealing with irresponsible influencer is quite a headache for client. How I know, because most of the brands and clients complained this to me. Or even my friend who are also from the client side start complain this and that to me. Telling me that most of them only want to get free products. They never write or use it their own. They can somehow today share about this facial treatment very good, tomorrow telling the other brand was good , and next week telling the 3rd brand is also very good lol. 

So now the problem is where's the professionalism?

Then people start to hate about ads / advertorial. But the main thing is, we can't create new content or survive without working with the ads. We need money to buy camera, lighting, laptop and etc. I'm not sure what you think but I only work / accept collaborate with brand I love or I think it suitable for my audience. Same thing happened recently, I received like 10 or 11 emails / dm/ msg regarding a slimming product which I saw quite a lot of influencer actually post it on their fb/ instagram. 

The first thing in my mind was like wow!

I rejected it but sometime when I get really emotional when they think that I will take this job if she/he can pay me higher. 侮辱 像给我钱叫我去做牛做马 or I'm too sensitive. I will reply like ' sorry I'm not interested because I need to gain weight now rather than be slim. I reply it nicely and they still say ' I can pay you higher'

Then I was like:' do you think i need to be slim or you think my followers / readers are stupid?' Will you guys believe that if I holding a pack of slimming product and tell you that after I eat this I become so slim like now. lol I'm alright with this kind of slimming product if I'm getting too fat or I want to be slim but why I can't choose what I want. If you pay means I must take it? 你叫我去跳楼我就要去跳楼咩 -..- 我真的原本没事 但越觉得越气

I have my own principle. I'm not interested mean I'M NOT INTERESTED. Why can't I have my own choice. But thank god sometime those seller will reply like' Chanwon you are really different from others' Then I can be like really happy at the same time lol. Happy because you told me that I'm different but sad too because I need to eat bread again xD jkjk**

Sometime when dealing with hard time , my friends told me: Nvm one lah! Once only then you can get the money. Why not you just say ok' I just can't. My principle = too strong until sometime I wish to slap myself. Some client even ask whether do I accept gaming ads but I have to wear sexy to show my boobs lol. wtf is this then I answer like sorry i dont do this then they feel I'm very 高清 扮高清 Then I also feel very scared. I too care about what others think about me sometime...

So ever since that time onward, I always say sorry la I don't have boobs that's why can't then they will laugh and say I'm funny. I think this is the best way to indirect reject the project wtf. Why I need to be like this and make fun of myself lol

I just can't! I can't disappointed you guys and my reputation too. You guys any social expert here?? can you please teach me how to reply nicely? I really dunno how to 做人 sometime. Then this bring me to my next point....

I learned from all the experiences and now I start finding my own happiness. My happiness no longer depend on how others think of me, my happiness is now depend on myself , my life and true friend who really closed with me. If someone don't like me, I just accept it because I can't fulfil all of them to like me. The only thing i can do is love myself and start to appreciate the little happiness. 

My happiness is no longer gain from them, it's just within myself. 快乐原点不再是来自别人，而是来自自己的内心。

When your happiness is no longer depend on others, you feel more positive and less complain because you never expect anything from others. You will find your way! For me, I do something that I love and receive more positive energy back from doing so. I DIY something I like, watch my favourite show, talking with my succulents lol this is quite creepy xD But I starting to enjoy each of my 'little happiness' now.

When I get really angry, I just scold then I will go to subway order my favourite tuna sandwich with mayonnaise and lettuce. Then, the next min I will be like OMG, why I'm so angry just now wtf! This is how crazy am I. If you love travelling, print out those google image / places that you wish to visit and stick it on the wall. Each time when you feel exhausted and tired, just look at the wall / board and tell yourself, it's worth for your effort, you are tired only for now and soon you will be in that picture , visiting your favourite country with your friends.

For me, each time I get really sad , my motivation is from you guys. I read back all the msg that you guys wrote for me, letters that I received years ago. I still kept it with me. Let me share with all of you next time lol. Dear Diary series is way too attractive for you guys i think. I just wish to treat you guys like my friends and hear me talking shit & laugh together with me.

I learned my lesson from all these shits lol. Even I hate it sometime but it's what make me who I am today. Nobody motivate you then you need to find the way to motivate yourself. Stick all your dream destinations / to-buy items on the list and tell yourself you can do it every morning. This is quite stupid but really works well for me. I always screen shoot the item and tell myself, I have to buy this item next month then each time I lazy I will be like, OH MAN it's almost there!!!

You already started it, you are half way there and why are you giving up and let go easily?! Guys, it's August now and you have 4 months left to fight for it. For those who are still studying, please tell yourself you can do it. Always remember why you started this! For those who are still working like hell, can't go for holiday. Tell yourself, it's almost there and give yourself a short escape to somewhere else maybe a day trip or enjoy the little happiness by doing what you love, bump into a new cafe and so on.

There are so many things that you can do to make yourself happy. Try not to depend on others to find your happiness. If you feel sad because someone not like you/ say ugly thing about you / threaten you / not loving you anymore, then take this chance to learn how to love yourself. 

When I'm young (or maybe just few years ago), I always love to complain this and that. I hate my tall forehead, I dislike myself and blablablaaa, I always think I dont have a choice. Ended up everything that happened on me proved that I'm wrong. I have a choice and it's whether I can do it or not. Every decision has consequences like the decision I made this year, stay alone so that I'm able to work and give out the best of myself. 

It's a waste for you to continue the path if it's too much of negativity and you can't be happy. Be brave and you are the only person who responsible to your life. Not about others. Prove yourself that you are right, believe you can do it and do what makes you happy. Life is good when you finally realise how important your worth and value. Do what add values to others, it will make you happier and don't expect happiness from others too.

You should love yourself. Each of you and I love you guys as much as I love my bed lol. 我真的很开心 因为最近想通了很多事情 最后所有的答案都不需要解释 因为快乐是源自于自己 而不是麻木寻找别人给你的快乐！我们一起加油. 

Love, xoxo. See you guys on next #DearDiary post <3