▐ DearDiary #5▐ Brave

Hello Sweethearts! So I just came back from my dental clinic and adjusted my braces. Still waiting for another 20 mins before I make a move to my next appointment. Was thinking what to do then suddenly I saw my laptop here and I just wanted to share my feeling to you right now.

So this morning I thought it was just a small adjustment. I go without applying any lip balm and suddenly I realised I'm going to remove my braces in few months time. Then doctor just telling me what's going on and what minor adjustment need to do with my braces. Next, he adjust the wire but I can finally feel the pressure because the previous few months I'm still 'honeymoon+ing' with my braces without any pain and discomfort. This time (while i'm blogging, I still can feel the pressure and discomfort on my teeth) lol and my period is coming soon. Suddenly turned into the emotional person when I'm alone.

If you followed my instagram stories or read my Braces Story here, you must be knowing that I need to go back to my dental clinic every month to do the adjustment. I never skip any single of the appointments so far because I'm always a good one 😆 Then today (after so many months of good time), while the doctor was adjusting my braces and doing thing on the wire, he told me to tahan bit because it's going to be painful. My lower teeth is smaller than my upper one and now he going to try his best to adjust my lower teeth up and the side of my teeth to a normal size. It means my teeth need to be pull upward and then that's the pain part.

While he's adjusting my braces, I told myself it's okay, just stay calm and tahan! Few seconds only mah, scared what. Then I look at the doctor eyes, the nurse who standing beside me, the pain and the wall. I suddenly cried out loud lol. OMG my weakness appear in front of the doctor. So embarrassing and then the doc continue do his work and telling me that I might cry harder when it come to remove the braces. Pain then putting it on or doing adjustment. lol

I saw most of my friends doing fine with their braces but just me. lol I'm always the unlucky one but I'm not afraid. After I cried then continue tears, the doc ask me whether should he stop then I stay calm and say nvm, continue then at the same time my tears still coming out from my eyes. I tried my best to hold it but I have no ideas why it keep coming out wth. 😑 Feel like slapping myself.

Next, I look at the side of the wall, looking at the empty chair and trying my best to stay calm and force myself to think of other thing. Then I saw the empty chair, I remember the first few time (like two years ago) during my first 3 months adjustment and teeth extraction, I always asked someone to come with me. I brought Smelly came , my mom and two of my best friends. 

Then after that, I always put my appointment on weekdays + morning time because I think the best time to look for a dentist was during the morning day time. Also, I must be the first few customer if not after a long day, the doc might feel tired and I dunno I just feel like the earliest the better. 趁医生还没看太多人的时候，比较没那么累，也比较温柔 哈哈哈哈哈 I always think too much lol.  

Now I can't believe after so many years, I'm always come back alone without any accompany. At first I feel scary but after all, it's okay. I'm always a person who always wanted to have someone to accompany me to do something. Either going to toilet , going out to dabao , sleeping I must have someone to do it with me. Actually I'm not afraid to be alone, but I'm afraid I'm doing it all alone. Like so cham but after I moved out and really grown up this year. Everything changed.

I stayed alone, sleep alone, going for a working trip alone, blogging alone, eating alone, walking on the street alone, shopping alone and die die I also must have friends with me. I remember I wrote a post 'Enjoy being alone' on my blog before and I think it's okay to be alone because when you are alone, you care more about yourself and less about others. You are just...YOU. I still myself, I still love to hang out with friends, going out with friends because I always love to be with my friends but whenever I'm alone, I'm happy too. Because that's the only time I can appreciate myself and doing what I love.

This year 2017 was a big milestone for me. A lot of my perspectives changed, I met a lot of really good friends. I honestly never thought of that and of course, I met with some fake one too. But it doesn't matters because I won't hate or dislike them since they got nothing to do with my life lol. Also, I'm really happy I finally fall in love with myself. My bad and good...whatever if that's about me, I'm going to keep that and love myself. Because that's the only unique thing I had.

I'm always hate my forehead, I never show it to the public, always covered with my fringe or bangs but now I let it shine xD #myforeheadisbrighterthanyourfuture lol. I love my rabbit teeth but after getting hurt by so many people, instead of complaining them I decided to make a change no matter how (even I'm all alone), I did braces. I dislike to smile with my braces, but now I learned to smile out loud and just be myself. 

If you really watch my insta stories, then that's the real me. A girl who speak broken english with funny accents, bare face with messy hair, always make fun of herself and blablabla. I think I'm addicted with stories because I knew it only showed up for 24 hours and I dont mind to be ugly. But if you ask me to make a serious vlog on my youtube , a platform like that then I will be camera shy and turn really unnatural. I dunno why but if you keep laugh and complain at how people look stupid on the video. Then maybe you should record a video of yourself talking with the camera and watch it yourself. xD

That's epic man because I always ok with insta stories video but when it comes to youtube. I just can't. That's why I'm quite struggle on that but hope you all dont mind. So now, I seriously feel like I'm so brave compare with the last time. I'm always independent but not as brave as now. OMG I'm grown up a lot. Although my braces still make me feel like 'bang the wall' but indeed I'm so happy that I finally step out from all my comfort zone to  be who am I.

Also, this months I accept some on air interview, magazine interview and some special meet & greet in the public. Public speaking isn't a thing for me especially need to speak in English , not my mother tongue but I did it. I have no idea where I get my brave back but I remember my teacher told me not to be shy to speak it out. If you are shy or you feel embarrassing, then you will never learn. For those who always ask me to keep my mouth shut, sorry to disappointed you, I just feel it's not good to discourage people like this.  Sometime when I received those comment, it hurts me a lot but change your perspective on it, you will feel much better and that person will continue stand on the same position, you...move further and far from them.

At least you know what you deeply want, you want to learn to be a better person. So never feel afraid to learn new thing. Ignore those discourage people who ask you not to talk or telling you are stupid. A good person or friends, will encourage you to do whatever you can't. But at the end, it back to yourself, whether you have that 'brave' to speak it out, do it or just hide it. Do it for yourself, not for others. So whatever opinions from others, it's not you.

You are the person who going through all of these and they can't stop you. Even it's your own hobby to learn something. Learn it, it never too late. Sometime I receive comment like' chanwon can I go for braces, I'm so old already' Ask me for what, just go ahead do it. Also, I receive email like ' I dislike about my work, I can't do anything with it, I'm so sad' If I'm you, I will stop complaining and make a change. I will do even better, learn it and make a move instead of complaining the same thing more than a year. It's okay to complain to your friends and talk it out but after more than 2 years of complaining the same thing, it's time to reflect yourself. Whether it's the thing stop you to move further, of you stop yourself to move further.

That's the thing, live it once. Do what you like and follow your heart. If you always feel alone, is okay because me, myself feel alone too. Although sometime feel quite lonely, but when I feel lonely, I do something i like, pampering myself like a queen lol. Yes and when you accept yourself the way you are, happiness starts from within. It coming from your heart not from others. So if people laugh you because of your physical appearance or just think you are stupid. Don't ever take it, you are not stupid at all. He/she is the one who is so shallow. 

So, just continue doing it for yourself. I, myself still doing and learning to be a better person and a person who add values for others. Be brave and accept who you are. I'm so happy finally I gone through everything and another few months left before I remove my braces. OMG It's so painful now , I'm so emotional I guess it's time to make a move and prepare for my next appointment.

Oh yes, I'm going for my IPL treatment appointment to remove my armpit hair 😆 girls need to earn a lot money for ourself. What also need to remove lol. So that's all for today. Hope my little DearDiary story could make your day better because I feel better now after talking with you guys. I just imagine I'm talking with someone aka my laptop lol.

See you on my next post. Love, xoxo.