▐ DearDiary #8▐ Life Lesson

Hello Sweeties! I miss you guys and here's another very sentimental post on my blog. But before that, I'm here to wish all of you a very happy Chinese New Year *in advanced. Have you guys bought your new clothes? Or still waiting for your holiday to shop until drop?

I'm really stress this few days. Not the very usual me but I have tried my best to settle down everything for myself. Trying hard to calming down myself not to think about it and doing a lot of work so that I have no time to think about it. I don't think you love to see the very unhappy side of me but it's me. I accepted what's the life taught me in the past, I always not the lucky one. Whatever I experience in the past was quite scary but I had overcome each of it all by myself. 

Everything happened in the past makes me become who I am today. The saddest part of the problem is, it never can be solve or settle. Every time I thought I could do better, it stops me. Every time I tell myself is okay. My heart was broken into pieces since I was really small. No one could fix it for me except myself and I never believe that I could walk away from the pain. The problem can never be solve.

People like you guys, always dm me or sending me an email. Asking how I always motivate myself or even stay so positive after all. I'm also surprised with this because in the past, I never accept it so I just complain, cry over and over again and ask god, like WHY. WHY IT'S ME! Just tell me why. There will be no answer for me. I have been trying my best to search for it. I motivate and telling myself every time I fall into that deep black world. I tears at night which nobody know and slowly, I accepted it, I forgive it, I realise all my tears just in front of Smelly.

He and few of my friends were the one supported me. I feel so embarrassed to speak out to the public. The only thing I could do is telling it to my friends and I feel like there is a huge rock covered my happy heart. I can't move it or either way, I just change my perspective so that I won't see it but in deep of my heart, I know there is something always hiding behind my heart.

I guess the only answer I could answer myself is, accepted it as my life which I need to go through and also because of this, I get to experience things that people don't. I start to cherish every single happy moment in my life. Even just a normal dining time with a peaceful mind. What I want for my life is just a peaceful home.

Most of the people don't know how this actually affected my childhood and my personality now. My shoulder is too heavy and couldn't bear it anymore. No one could understand how painful my heart was, it was really pain than break up from a relationship and I know I could never settle because the problem is just....undefined.

For a moment that in my life, I never understand why people choose to suicide. It's the craziest and stupidest thing to do. I always afraid of knife, blood and even just a needle could scared me until like shit. But that very deep 1 second, when you feel like you got no choice in your life. You will think of that very scary and stupid thing. Even just 1 second I feel so afraid of. Some people just choose to escape from the problem. I choose not to escape, I bear with it but my whole soul is just too broken.

For that one second of the stupidest thing that I ever think off, I immediately ask for help. I don't wanna be the person I don't wanna be like the person. I love myself, I have lot of thing to do and I don't wanna think in a way that I don't have any choice in my life. That's the secret that I kept for quite a long time which I don't even dare to tell anyone and I starting to realise, it's time for me to appreciate my life.

I started to do things that make me happy. Anything for myself, my very little 'me-time', doing things I like, speaking out for myself instead of standing in the same position, blaming or complaining. I start travel so that I could really breath and throw everything out. Think with a way to comfort myself. I'm not someone's punching bag! You release all your emotional to me but how about me? Who take care of my soul then? No one.

I got no place to release my stress, I have a lot of burden on my shoulder. The only thing I did was writing it in English so that all those busy aunty uncle won't translate it or call to tell my family. But I feel so happy recently too because I get to stay for few long hours with Smelly family. Even just a short movie time with his family I feel so touched. I tears at the toilet some more. HAHAAHH So stupid.

There is always something that I couldn't buy with money. I mostly hear of people saying that they complain about their work, their salary, your little problem and so on. Human being is a very weird thing in the world. We love to compare things better than us. Also, we only feel better or start appreciate when we realised there are some sad stories happened on others. 

A very good example, you are complaining about you got no holiday to travel to the country you like. You complain because you compare yourself with people who work so hard or easy but they got double holiday than you. You feel very very very sad and angry but you can't do anything. So the only thing you do is a continue spreading your negative emotions until you hear or met someone telling you that he only get maybe...3 days holiday in total. Then slowly, you start to feel like okay. There are someone worst than me, maybe I'm not that bad.

You see, that's the thing. And the reason why I pointed it out is because I always experience the worst thing of my life lol. I never met someone which has the same experience with me so that no one could help, I'm the one that I could walk away and overcome it. I know I'm always the one so negative until - 負負得正 (Two negatives make an affirmative) or we could call this as two wrongs make a right.

So because of my very worst case in my life, I finally learned from it. I see the window, I found my way to learn from it, accepted it and I guess the real answer from all these experience is, asking me to really knowing what's my life for. The purpose of my life. When you reached my age, you will start asking this question, so what's the purpose of your life. What can you do, what should you do?!

I found the way to feed my souls and find my happiness. From doing what I love, sharing things I like, treating you guys like my real friend and doing it and add value to someone's life. Even just one person, I could change the world in a way that I like. I could do better and won't let it happen. Maybe all these experience reflect a very real and humble, honest person I am.

Some people like it, some might not or they hate it the max. Either way, I don't really mind because I'm just myself. Instead of pretending to beg someone or doing it, I do it just for myself because I know if I never take a good care of my soul or my heart, I could break down again easily. I very afraid I will never walk out from the deep dark world. This also taught me a life time lesson. Don't be regret with whatever you did or decide in your life because you are the one who responsible for it.

If I'm a mother of my kids, I would contribute my life to my own family. I don't want my next generation to experience thing I experienced now. I would support then with full love, I will learn to deal with all the problems with my husband, I will not throw my problem to them. Also, because of this I really afraid of getting into a marriage if I never fully prepare. If one day I say yes to someone and allow him to walk into my life, giving birth to a cute child then it should be my biggest challenge of my life hahahaha.

If the day come, I will make sure to give them a happy and peaceful home. A home that I always wanted. I walked away from all my deep dark world now, that's why I'm here with you guys. To be with you and treat you like my real family. I really love to talk with you guys like this. I really love to type it out and talk it with my laptop. This is how I started my blog back to 9 years ago. 

Instead of blaming someone (like what I did in the past), or being very angry over someone because of their fault, I choose happiness. Until now there is no answer and the only thing I can do is accept it's broken again. I stick it back, it broken. I stick it twice, it slowly recover but broken again HAHAHAHA. But I'm already get use too it so I learned from it. Not being too angry over something then hit the wall or throw my temper on something, but learn to shout it out, throw that damn shit problem away, learn to love me more because no one else could do that except myself.

No one is alone. At least you got yourself and someone who truly care / love you. You got my love and I got yours. I believe even I couldn't meet most of you and mainly we just talk or follow each other secretly, the world could be better out there, with my positivity I really wanna see the world. See things that is really related to me. 

I'm no longer seeing it in the deep dark world, but a brighter and bigger one behind it. A very wonderful and colourful life waiting for me to achieve. I never lose my hope thats why I always fight for my future. There are so many good thing out there, waiting me to explore, waiting me to experience. That problem is just a small problem but it can't be my whole life and I have that courage to do better than this I guess.

I feel better now. I'm so happy to speak it out because while I'm typing on this I actually tears like an idiot but it's always a way that I use to talk to myself. I use this to remind myself, talk to myself and cure it. If you think your life is quite suck, then don't worries mine even suck x1 but I will take it as a life challenge in this case and perhaps one day, I will never take that as a problem...

Not sure how long I could take this but soon! Everything good is waiting for me and there are so many people love me. I just need a way to comfort myself and I'm all done 😀 I could now take a hot bath, do some cleaning and start working on my next video shoot. Thank you for everyone of you who read this. I seriously don't know how should I stop this because I just write everything that I want to say to my blog.

Nothing much but Thank You. Thank you to the very sentimental Chanwon lol Love, xoxo. I will be back 🔜