▐ DEARDIARY #10▐ Little Secret

I have this little secret that I'm not sure whether is that normal or just too much. My friends just told me that I'm being too sentimental lol. But I feel exactly the same each time I attended my friend's wedding celebration. Whether is the time they speaking their vows, they exchange their wedding rings or the moment the bride actually walk on the red carpet, looking at their husband and I can feel the super touching moment in their life.

So the person who always sit next to me be like 😳. Then I just look at one direction and never ever turn or move my head to another side lol. Each time I think of it, I will suddenly put myself into someone's shoe and be like, omg they must be so hard together and now they are finally and officially a husband and wife. Then I tears, the whole freaking time I was like what the hell?! So I keep be calm and be like 'okay, no worries is okay!' 

Then when I'm back I will be so afraid lol. Maybe I'm too free and think too much. I afraid that I'm not ready to commit myself into a marriage but I really really wish to marry to someone I love. Let just don't refer to any person here but marriage is not just husband and wife. But a completely new milestone in life because the rest of your life, is going to be someone's wife. Both of you must be responsible to your decision and it's just more than just a 'YES'.

I'm wish to get married but I really afraid the wrong decision I make that's why whenever someone ask me, it's either I myself can't except that I'm already 26 years old and this is the best time to get pregnant or get into a marriage lol or I just told them, another two years then! AHHAHAHAHA I'm not a risk taker when it comes to relationship. I can't bare the feeling or losing someone I love or someone you love is no longer loving you.

I always think that, a women should be independent. If not you will get dump by your loved one and when you need help, either you need to beg someone or else you must settle yourself. That's what I personally learn and experience from my life. Not myself but from other's people marriage too. I heard of a lovely couple , get into a marriage they have their perfect life and suddenly one day, they divorced because they found that they just being tied into a marriage and there are no longer as sweet as before their marriage.

At first I was like, it's just a paper and instead of calling a person a husband or wife, others still remain the same. But the reality isn't be like this. When you really commit into a marriage you are no longer yourself. Whatever decision you made, you have to put yourself at the last and thus, you feel like you aren't as freedom as before. Thinking about living with someone for the rest of your life, it's sweet but at the same time I really wish that I can always dream of that happy fairy tales or princess dream in my life. Commitment isn't just by mouth but with the effort. It's about commitment and responsibilities. 

I don't wish to suddenly wakeup one day and being sad that I found out something that I wouldn't even want to know. Or argue about money and things that you never know before getting married. So for me, I really wish to be with someone I love but I'm so afraid that it was just a dream and when reality comes, it hurts. My friend told me not to put too much of expectation lol, or dream too much of it because when it comes, you will automatically know how to deal with it.

So from that time onward, I never thought of that again but still, I will really keep that for myself. So if one day when I say a Yes to someone, it means that I put the effort to commit into a marriage and I'm ready to take the risk. I guess that's the one moment in my life lol. Next, how to put work at a side and put family at first lol. This is another problem lol But still, when I ask me friends they told me, when you have your own children then you automatically will become a great mom. 

They all believe I can but personally I got only a question mark in my life lol. Better I don't put any expectation because I get to think too much or too far easily. But I do enjoy my life now, my life with Smelly and all our families and Bebe. Thinking about one day I could learn to cook and wake him up in the morning is just too...romantic! HAAHAHAHAH 

Thinking about one day I could call someone as my husband is also too romantic. But still, I never tell anyone that I always think of it but I guess Smelly feel it especially each time I suddenly become so sentimental when I watch love story movie or anything I can just cry for the whole day and being so silly. Since when I become like this, please don't ask me. I don't even know lol.

But I really really looking for that day to come. Maybe it's still early now but I feel so stress when everyone start to ask me like when can receive my ang pad and things like that. I think I should pass them a contact they should ask the guy not me lol. I'm the one propose him wtf. But anyway, if you are still young, please enjoy as much as possible. Whether you are single or not single, life is more than that you know. 

Life is full of colours , full of loves and all that matters. Like now, I really wish that I could somehow read back this post one day and tell myself, Chanwon you are doing good, no worries I will always be here for you. Like my self-reflection time lol. I did this always. Like sometimes I read back my old post I will be like ' omg I can't believe I'm travelling to so many countries now, how I did that?' Then sometime read back my stupid diary I be like 'wtf, so silly!'

I hope that from now onward I can learn to be not too sentimental. If not every time I attending my friend's wedding people might thought I break up with someone. lol. Kua Zhang xia~ But I really wish to witness all my friend's relationship like suddenly I feel they grown up. Like my own daughter being married with someone else she love and they going to take care of themselves now wtf. 

I guess if one day my daughter married, I'm sure I will cry and all the photo will have that mom crying face wtf. Too dramatic already. In the past, I never learn how to express myself , my feelings and now I learned but I somehow think the 反差too much. Now whenever I feel really touch I can like within 1 second start to tear and Smelly be like 'eh movie inside haven cry but you already cry a?' then he laughed at me wtf.

I do hope that I won't tear again next time and feeling extra lonely when Smelly not with me and I'm alone attending wedding dinner wtf. He's always on his 9-6 work but still luckily he's not there, if not he sure laugh at me again. Anyway, please slowly give me red bomb, 紅炸彈慢一點可以嗎 我不要那麼快！For those who's reading this post, if one day you saw me walking on a red carpet and posting photo on my wedding day, you must burst into tears like me ok? If not I very paiseh and that that I can review super waterproof mascara or anything! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Then can also benefit you guys. Okay my wedding day I also can't put my job aside lol. Just to wish everyone of you who are going to commit into a marriage soon... a big congrats and a big hug from me. You deserve it because I know, it's hard hahahahaha! I really hope that that person will care you with love, will hold your hand be with you and be loyal to you until both of your last breath. 

If you are still single, no worries. Coming soon to you! The best things said often come last or maybe the right one is just nearby you. Just you never realise it? I really hope that each of you can love and be loved. I think I should stop here if not 天涯海角都可以給我講！That's all for today! Love, xoxo.