▐ DEARDIARY #15▐ I LOST MY VOICE for 2 weeks

Hello my love, I'm back on my blog. It was a roller coaster months for me. I'm packed with works and trips. Finally I have some time to sit down and talk with you guys. I have been waiting for a day to really sit down and blog about this. As you guys might notice this super strange title for this post! HAHAHAHA Don't be surprise and no worries, I don't put any clickbait title but just wanna share my thoughts with all of you.

Last year, I guess it was happened in Oct or Nov last year. I was sick and then the main problem is, I had completely lose my voice for more than a week. To be exactly, I can't talk normally for almost half month ,which means I have two weeks of rest lol. Yes as you guys know I talk so much everyday..every mins lol. It was one of the biggest nightmare for me.

It started with sore throat at first and then flu. After that the second day I woke up, I feel so suffer. I don't have any appetite to eat. Then, that's the moment I realise I have been so busy until I didn't consume the enough amount of water I should take daily. I feel so embarrass about it and it's why taking 2L water per day is now my new year resolution for 2019 lol.

Then the rest of the day I felt so sorry to myself and I have been struggle through that half of the month. Here's my stories:-

1. Whenever I trying to fight back to someone, I just can't. I felt completely useless lol. I remember the day I was trying to explaining something with Smelly, I just completely give up because no matter how loud I wish to speak with my voice, I just can't! At the end of the day, I just better keep my mouth shut until I get back my voice.
2. The worst part is I can't rest 14 days at my house. I need to survive and at the same time I remember that time I have to host a show and live on facebook channel. I tried all the remedy my followers and readers sent to me. Honey with lemon, gargling with salt water.... and I tried everything hoping the next day I could talk but then, miracle won't happen on me lol. So the only way I can do is just, go a head and face the reality. I went for the show, I live on the facebook with my dead voice. Or I can say it's 螞蟻的聲音. I went there, the manager came from Taiwan and asked the person in charge like 'what happen?' 'how can she live and talk later' ....I can only 硬著頭皮 and shoot only! The moment I back at home, I open the live channel and I look myself...I feel like I'm a clown. My friends even texted me and said 'chanwon, pity you'. I just don't know how to reply. If you know me well, you know that no matter what, as long as I promise to work, even I'm sick I die also will appear on the venue or show up with complete makeup and everything. This is me! So I was like ' okay, I better dont look at the live video again, if not I will cry lol'
3. When I back to my parent's house on that week, my mom and bro were so happy. They both smiling all the time and told me that it's good that I couldn't talk or fight back. I was so speechless that time lol. Whatever they say to me, I got no choice to just keep my mouth shut.
4. I was having a short trip that time, I couldn't even call my friend's name and ask them to wait for me. The only thing I can do is just 'clapping my hand' and hoping them to turn their head back & look at me. OMG That was really a nightmare for me. 
5. I went to the night market, I wanted to tell them I will be here and please wait for me. But I couldn't even talk out loud, so I just stand behind and chasing my friend's back and telling them to wait for me for the second time lol. I even need to touch their shoulder and they have to put their ear near me only can slightly hear what I'm saying lol
6. I couldn't attend event on that 2 weeks time. For some event that I agreed to make appearance earlier I still went but I realise my face look completely like a bitch. I couldn't talk or greet any of my friend. Then whenever they talk to me I just smile nicely and say sorry I'M SICK AND LOST MY VOICE. Then I like..what am I doing here lol

For that two weeks, I feel completely useless. I couldn't speak out for myself, I couldn't communicate well and couldn't go for meeting and just... I HATE LOSING MY VOICE AGAIN!

But at the same time I realise something... 

My parents, bro and Smelly were so happy during the 2 weeks that I lost my voice. lol 😥 I dont want to admit it but this is what I realise. My mom keep laughing with my bro saying that it's so happy that I couldn't speak and fight back. So they are happy lol. Smelly felt the same for once but I know he was hoping me to get my voice back because I seems so stress after that. Then I talk with them I realise that I shouldn't always raise up my voice lol.

To be honest, most of the time I feel like it's nothing wrong for me to speak like that. I really think that I speak in a normal voice or volume but indeed due to that two weeks of losing my voice, I did a self-reflection on that. I realise I sometime do speak like a gorilla. Like to raise my voice and in a way that I could force the person to hear me. Or like what my mom use to told me, I very like to 頂嘴. I just don't understand what is 頂嘴. I just saying out my thoughts. Whenever I have argument with them, if I speak out softly no one will hear me. Yes, I use to hear how my parents speak like that to each other since I was small. So for me, it's very normal.

But as I grown up I realise I only talk like that with my family. I asked my friend I said ' did I ever talk with you guys like that'

'No, you didn't' my friends answered. 

I meet Bobo on the other day, I ask her again. She say she dare me that I never talk like that with any of my friends. Then I say did you talk like this with your parents?. We both silent and secretly admit it. 

When I back home. I told the whole story with Smelly and I ask, did I always speak like that? Smelly told me ' Sometimes lohhhh'. Then I feel sad.

Seriously I'm so emotional and feel soooo sooo sad. Like what the hell I did. I feel like crying 😫 Then I cried and tell Smelly that why I use to talk like this with the people I care the most. Why I never talk like this to friends? lol

A month later...

I visited one of my friends in her house. Before that she give her mom a phone call and the way she talk is like how I talk with my parent when I'm not in a good mood. Yes, I see myself lol. Like a mirror....

I feel so shame on that and now I know how I sound like when I'm feeling mad and talk with my parents or brother. 

I think this sickness was a gift from the god. I learned a lesson from it. Hence, from that time onward, I really don't like to raise my voice again to them except some 'exceptional case' lol For example chasing money lol. But I realise how bad it is to raise my voice and speak in that way. I realise it's also a bad example. If one day I have kids, if they talk with me like this I'm sure I will cry and hurt like mad.

So moving forward to March 2019 now, it has been 6 months after. I realise I see things differently. I still raise my voice and speak like a mad person sometime but I think it's 80% lesser. I calm first before raise up my voice and I dont want to use my voice and force that person to listen to me or doing whatever I wish them to do. I wish that person know what wrong he did from his real heart rather than I'm the one who force him to listen to me.

I think at my age of 27, this is the thing that I need to learn. Also I realise I have less argument with my mom. She's happier and I didn't really argue much with my bro. Whenever I feel mad, I calm down myself first rather than just throwing all the shits to the person. 

Every time I have no idea how to end my dear diary post lol. It's quite weird to end it because normally when I wrote anything on diary... the last sentence end with '.....' like continue on tomorrow lol!!!

So yes, bye! See you on my next post!!