▐ DEARDIARY #16▐

Photo taken on Valentine's Day this year. I spent my Valentine's Day alone in Japan and it was something that came in my mind when I decided to extend my trip alone from Yokohama to Tokyo. I spent some time alone, walking on the street that I really familiar with, having video call with Smelly at night, trying my no plan's plan and randomly stumbled across a shop to get all souvenir, taking new route to somewhere new, buying my favourite baby's breath for myself and giving it to the girl who take care of the counter at the dorm that I stayed for days, get a postcard and write some msg to my friends and myself & etc.

So many to do for just 2 days and I really really love spending some time for myself. I'm always feel so scary to sleep alone, or going trip alone but this two years, I have been really step out from my comfort zone and trying to-do all these crazy things. Sometime I just love challenge myself and I'm always a learner. I love learn new things and experience things differently. I normally don't do that in my homeland but whenever I'm oversea, I get really excited to try and do these thing that I never try before.

I guess travel change the way I think and I start realising I rather to spend time to learn new skill, thinking how to grow my business, get in touch with new people and sharing thoughts with them, preparing for my coming workshop and just being so excited for every new opportunity I met. I'm not feeling good few days ago and the day before my Cambodia Trip I was so disappointed on someone. But at the same time, I'm feeling blessed that I decided to let go it.

I never have hard time to fall asleep. But there are things that keep reminds me of my value and a part of me was questioning myself. But right after 24 hours, after talking with someone that I trust I'm feeling so much better now. 

I'm the one who hold friendship as my priority. I never believe someone will did that to me until I knew it myself. As long as that's the person I love, what I want is just making them happy and I'm happy. I have friends who truly love me and I have friends who no longer a friend anymore. I think I have leaved those toxic relationship behind, we never argue but just simply because I no longer find happiness in the relationship. I feel myself no value in that relationship. There are things hurt me the most when I'm 22. It was 5 years ago, just like breaking up with your love one xD

But I guess time can heal, the only thing is will you take the process and also understand the fact that you are no longer valuable for someone else. I cried over and over again in the past and I always tend to confront to that person. Telling 100% of my feeling but somehow, you eventually know the fact that it's useless.

I seriously hate confront with people again. Because it already hurt me, I don't want to feel the pain again. I remember I use to tell my friends that '他做初一 我做十五' xD If that person is a bitch, then I will be that bitch again and treat him like the way he treat me. That was me when I was young, and when I told this to my friends all of them just laugh their mouth off. When I told Smelly with it, he replied 'you better do then...'

Indeed, I know I won't because I dont wanna hurt someone like he/she hurt me in the past. I dont wanna be like them. I just hate that moment I have to force myself to become a person that isn't myself. I dont wanna get lost that way. So I tried to put a wall when I meet new people. Whenever they want to build a relationship with me, I try to stay away because I dont wanna get hurt. You know like break up like that.. lol

But soon after that, I realise it's so wrong. When I stop myself to love or trust on people again, I feel more unhappy. So I tell myself when I was 23 to trust on myself that I'm able to meet a good relationship. That's when I start receiving so much love from my friends through these few years. I met so many awesome friendship and it only happens when I open my heart to trust on people again. 

I always believe I will eventually met with the right relationship if I'm still able to trust and love someone again and again. No matter how many lesson god gave me, it's always different. No matter how many time someone told me the truth, I still believe on that person unless that person physically touch my lowest boundaries. For example my priority now...which is my work. 

But after so many lesson, I also have learn to be happy by myself and not relying on someone. There are people who ask me don't easily trust on someone again and eventually get hurt at the end. I know they love and care about me but I just can't change the fact that I always believe on people because I just want to trust on them. I don't even know how not to trust. I find happiness when I'm being able to love and trust on someone but if they hurt me deeply, I will simply just leave it and don't freaking care to ask any question again or even confront to them.

Firstly because, I knew the fact that they will never feel sorry toward me because I'm not important or not their priority. I understand that and that's why they did it. If they admit and we talk about it, the pain still there and the reality will never change. I rather to be the person that let that go and move on to find something that worth of my love and happiness. I don't have much time to care about all the shit and dirty trick they did. 

I'm feeling tired to expose them. I just give my best and there are things that out of my control. I don't want to hear any excuse they gave to me or any shits that in return show how terrible our relationship is. I dont like to spoil their image in my heart because I have always remember what the good thing they did to me. I can't pretend it's not here, it's will be in my heart. I can't let go for now doesn't mean I can't let go in the future. I can't let go easily now because I have give all my trust but I can still be happy because I have many good reason to be happy. My world no longer just one of them. 

I have so many reason for me to be happy. I just need to have some time to digest it and I don't want to make someone feel the same pain like me. I just want to be the person that I love, which is never ever hurt that person and make them feel the pain that I have gone through. I will still believing in people because this is the way that I met so many good one now. I will not change it just for one person. That's what I told myself and I think after writing this out, I'm feeling so much better and alright now.

That's life. It never gonna be perfect but it's beautiful because of that. Live your life to the fullest, enjoy every ups and downs and always believe that you can meet someone who appreciate you like how you appreciate and love on others. Let's move on! You have so many thing worth for your time dear. Let's jiayou together!