▐ DEARDIARY #17▐ I'M READY!

Since young I have been planning hard to have my own life as I didn’t feel anything happier than having my own house when I was 17 years old. I worked as promoter standing for a whole day for RM80 before, I’m selling double eyelid and clothes to earn a little extra pocket money during my uni life. I also selling my pre-loved items, having bazaar at the weekend and selling baseball jacket through online as well. That time I wasn't have any fancy or expensive camera, it was just a Canon G12 and after 1-2 years of using it, I also got myself a second camera which is Sony NEX F3 that I bought from my savings. I still can remember the name clearly HAHAHA!

For me I know I can’t rely on anyone, it’s why in the past, I rarely say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I can't because I know anyhow I will need to learn everything myself. I got no friends knowing how to take photo or edit video so I learn it from Google and youtube. Google is my 恩師😆 I told myself is okay if I started from nothing because I got nothing to lose! lol am I right?! 

My dignity is really high, I can’t tolerance myself to ask for help. So most of the time I just do it because I always believe if I keep trying, I will find the solution myself and learn from it. I remember when I was still a primary student, I actually put my book under my desk drawer in the class and I thought I didn’t bring it. I see my friend calling their parents for help and I just so afraid to call because indeed I know I will get kill by my mom 😆😆I really afraid letting my parent know about it, so I will never ever call my parents to deliver things from school. Not even giving them a call in school. lol So I just stand up in the class and let teacher 'rotan' my hand. 

I afraid others laughing at me, so before anyone start laughing, I’m sure I will be the one who laugh on my silliness first. Seeing others smile because how funny I am, just makes me feeling great and that’s when I start having new friends. Class teacher always complains to my parent during parents day that I talk like an aunty in pasar malam and complained about how talkative I am. It’s why I hate report day and I always go back home get scolded straight away lol

Moving forward then, I start blogging when no one else in my school does. Everyone including my parents, they can’t even understand what I am doing. I still have a dream which is to own a office, run a small business/ company and have my own team. To make sure I learn how to manage a company and doing online business, I actually joined two company with salary lower than 2k in the past. I really don’t care about how far or how hard it is, I really wanna learn so I just go ahead. At that point of my life, I'm still working as a blogger. But the lesson learn from both experiences is when the boss couldn’t see the value of me, I just leave. My colleague and team that I used to work with for once asked me about the reason behind leaving the company, I think only few people truly know the reason why I’m leaving.

Both of my ex boss told me that I’m always playing around with my life. Got once my boss ask me what’s my goal, I told him I want a home and a family. He laughed at me saying it’s funny to know that I got so much capability but end up my goal is just a home. What I want isn't just about a home, it's not about the home that you can buy with your salary or money, it's a home that I can go back whenever I feel tired. Is the love with my family and my future kids. Isn't that simple but for me it's really hard to achieve.

I remember I pointed outside of his room telling him, do you know how many people actually having the same dream like me? And I know he wouldn’t understand because he has a good background and I respect his perspective so I just say the last word telling him the home I refer to is not just a house, is also refer to a family. Then he continue saying that if he is me, he will either be famous or else just give up dreaming and start working on the reality. To me, he has whatever his parents got for him. Including house and car but I’m not envy about any of it because I can have that too with every single cent I earn without asking from my parents. 靠自己努力賺來的錢 買的每一樣東西才可以實實在在的擁有 誰也搶不了 

Have you ever feel so sad because someone laughed on your goal? Yes, I will sad for a second but that's becoming my motivation. I had all these shitty experience before. 

I don’t blame him, even my parents don’t understand me so I never expect he will understand what I am thinking. But things got me crazy and I remember I cried when he told me that I'm still playing and never take my life seriously. I wipes away my tears, walk out from his office and few of my really sweet colleagues just come and talk to me. Without them, I think I wouldn’t learned so much in the company and I might just leave on the first few months HAHAHA. I still miss the time where I have colleagues to lunch with me, talk about how we gonna spend our weekend. They all are same age and even smaller than me. I feel so happy working with them in a team. I still remember when I decided to leave the company, I even ask them how to write a proper resign letter 😂😂 and who should I give the letter to. AHAHAHAH

At age 25, I bought a house. A house that I can do whatever I want, put all my stuff, choose my own furniture, hang on my favorite piece of artwork and host as many gathering as I want. HAHAHAHA and I remember I told Smelly that the moment I took the key, every month I will use my salary and saving to get one furniture. From TV, to washing machine, dining table, coffee tables and so on. I travel across the globe and collect all those deco homeware and wanted to put everything out in my living area. Smelly always the one who supported me since the day I met him. 

I remember when I walk in to the sales gallery, he ask 'are you sure?'  I just say YES and I just go ahead and getting my loan approver for my first house. Few months later, I got approved from the bank and moving forward at age 26, I also got my car because my 13 years old Myvi is too old and everyone is worried about me driving on it for hours everyday. Remember I tears so much when I sold my myvi 😭

At that age of my early 26, I finally learned one thing. I learn that I shouldn’t be in the circle that only make me feel less worthy and decided to leave all the negativity behind, I just stop showing at events or gathering that I’m not comfortable with. I start focusing on my goal and just be with the circle that can see my values. Then from that onward, I’m surrounded with friends who loves me and supported me, I feel empowered and I do more than what I thought I can be. I handling projects, proposal and able to meet few of my friends who have the same mindset with me. I bring everyone that have the same passion together and introducing them to everyone around me. I see their values despite they don't know about it but I always feel so proud of all their achievement. Some of them are now the lady boss of their own business, some has form their family, get married and so on. Soon, I meet my team, the people that shares the same mindset and passion like me.

I see them and treat them like my own family because I really wanna see them to be someone that is better than me and can be capable to help each other. We all have our own weakness and pros, but if each unique us stay together into one team, we are strong. We will not go far if we work it all alone but if we stay together, we can go further and be more than that.

I remember when I suddenly got the idea of moving to a new and bigger office the first person I told is my talented friends which you guys might already noticed from my stories 😆 Everyone was raising up their hand high and I was like 'LET'S DO THIS'.  I told the rest they are really surprised and asked ' OMG are you sure?!'.

So that's how we started to look at property online. Researching and go to search our new office together. One month later, we get to decide by seeing which place get the highest vote. Then just in time I met my team and we all just gather everyone from different places together. And that’s the starting point of our new office. 

I got no idea how it’s gonna works but sometime god just wanna let me follow the flow and just let it be. All timing just right and I’m a little excited and nervous for all the coming new challenges. We all have throw everything just  to chase for our passion and soon, after we move and settle down, we got a bigger place to discuss and hopefully I won’t cry when I move into the new office space. Then I plan to hire someone to help me do with the subtitle and I wish to give more time to create more video content for you guys hahahahaha! Then, my video ,soon, no longer got no subtitle ahahahah! 

If any problem comes, we can settle it and discuss about it together because I know I'm not alone now! For once in a lifetime, I gonna make all of us shine in our own way. I’m really looking forward to achieve new milestone with them and you guys are always the one who give me the courage and supported me since long long time ago. That is when I got nothing and you guys still love me for who I am til now.

Thank you and I always believe if you keep trying, keep going, the road will lead you to your goal. I’m trying really hard for more than 10 years. I really don’t know any shortcut for all of this to be happened in one day. It’s not happened in a day, it’s the experiences and lessons that I go through all these years. I got once hope I can be as lucky as some of you, born to be so beautiful and can get notice in one day. But I know this isn’t what I want. 

I get asked to answer question like ‘chanwon how to be famous’ ‘I’m working so hard for one year but no people recognize me or follow me’ & etc.

Let me tell you, if famous is what I want, then I will not doing or go through all of these. If you told me you have work so hard for a year but couldn’t be what you wish to be then what about me? I’m fighting this on my own for the past 10 years. Do you think it's really a shortcut for a decade year that bring me to who I am today? I really don’t know the correct way to answer all of these. If you wanna get famous in a short period of time I guess you asking the wrong person. If you ever want a shortcut, I think you can easily get famous in a short period of time is either you are showing your sexy body to the public or just really lucky. You can do that if you want but that's not what I want.

I want people who followed me to learn something from me, to get inspired, to love me for who I am, to see the world through my travel stories, to follow me not just because of my face, but truly know about Chanwon. I want people to see me other than just the numbers. There is a reason behind why they follow me. I love reading my readers and sweeties comments. I love interacting with you guys during my workshop, giving you some knowledge that you wouldn't get from the textbook or google. Inspired them to not keep trying, to love about themselves, self-care and loving their own perfects and imperfections.

I take everything that’s ‘bitter’ in my life as a motivation to drive me further. Whenever someone look down on my family or me, I will make sure one day they will be the one who wish to come and talk to me. When people telling me that I’m ugly, who speaks so broken and don’t have that standard to be a blogger, I will make sure to shut their mouth off with my milestone and results. I think that's the best way to prove to myself. At that point of my life,  I only focus at my goals and I don’t freaking care what others think about even I’m hurt whenever they told me that but still, I believe I’m capable, I'm strong and I will keep trying no matter how so that I wont be regret when I get old. I will continue growing until one day, I no longer need any explanations to answer all of these question. I no longer need my parent to feel ashamed to tell others about my job, I no longer need them to feel bad. No one can stop me from trying and learning. People who do bad tricks will never go long because I do believe no matter how, selfish and people who use money to play tricks will never last. Buying likes and followers, or having numbers of ghost account just to achieve certain number of following will never work in a long run.  

I really really wanted to let everyone know that, we aren’t just a vase , just someone who know how to pose or just have a group of followers. We are someone who work so hard to build and run our own company. Although we are all from different background and education but we all shares the same similarities. Which are doing things that we love and passion about. If you ask me what motivated me to get through this? I guess I’m an ordinary little one who love what I’m doing, even if you ask me to chose for a second life or go back to chose my life again, I will still choose to go through everything like now because this is my life. I have only live it once and I will give everything I have to what I love.

I have no ideas what will be the next but I’m ready for a new milestone in my life. I’m ready and are you guys ready??!!